Top Ten Features of the New iPhone 7

  1. Does not explode while charging.
  2. Incompatible with all other headphones.
  3. Will self-destruct when dropped from any height.
  4. Water-proof but only when submerged in Apple Water™.
  5. Indistinguishable from an iPhone 6.
  6. Siri is now self-aware and is fully prepared to begin a nuclear war with Russia.
  7. Costs less than a train.
  8. New option for a self-assembly kit that comes with bonus suicide net.
  9. Automatic update scheduled for 2018 that reduces iPhone to a fancy paperweight.
  10. Dual camera for improved long-range photos, ideal for stalking.

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