Church leaders around the world are calling Pokemon Go a work of God as attendances have spiked in the months since the popular mobile game was released.
This represents a sharp turnaround in numbers for many denominations whose reputations had been tarnished by on-going sex scandals, advancements in science, their support for the patriarchy and a collective penchant for bad comb-overs.
Having already lost many older people to other more interesting pursuits such as lawn bowls, bridge and dying, a number of churches were looking at ways to attract youth to their congregations. And it seems Pokemon Go has struck a chord.
Although initially seen as a tool of Satan for advocating evolution, church leaders soon changed their tune once they realised its potential for fresh audiences.
One convert, George Jones, 15 from Ashfield described the new experience: “I was just sitting there while some old man who looked like Gandalf was saying something about how Jesus died for my sins. I wasn’t really paying attention – I assume Jesus must be some super-rare pokemon? I mean I was just trying to capture the Charizard on the altar. It was kinda cool.”
Harriet Spencer 17 from Manly Vale added: “We’re being told that Jesus died for us so that we could live and all that, but it would have been really great if he could have died so my phone could live. When I’m playing Pokemon Go the battery on that thing keeps dying after about like 4 minutes – I mean that’s less time than 3 out of my 5 boyfriends last in bed!”
Many have been critical that the churches are turning a blind eye to Pokemon Go in order to drive an increase in popularity. Another recent Church attendee, Richard Astley denies the Church is oblivious: “Inside we both know what’s been going on. We know the game and we’re gonna play it.”
In addition, news reports out of the United States indicated that a group of armed robbers had used the game to lure victims to an isolated trap. Later, the armed robbers accidentally turned themselves in after trying to capture a Venusaur at the local police station.
Worryingly, security agencies around the world have struggled to keep up with all the change. One source (speaking to us on condition of anonymity) stated: “it’s hard to track everyone now that they are moving around. It was a whole lot easier when we could just spy on emails and use the internet metadata collected by the federal government. We determined the vast majority of people were at home either looking up porn or illegally downloading the latest episodes of The Bachelor.”
The source added: “fucked if I’m going to try to look at the GPS data from phones. The last pizza I ordered on Delivery Hero ended up in Kyrgyzstan.”