After years of avoiding the advice of doctors, qualified nutritionists and numerous fad diets, such as the Healthy Eating Pyramid, local man Trent Norman made the risky decision to continue eating bacon.
“I’m a bit of an adrenalin junkie,” he stated. “I get off on anything life-threatening.”
“I often risk my life by doing crazy shit like saying my girlfriend’s jeans really do make her bum look big,” Trent said. “Or trying to jaywalk really slowly. I just don’t want to exert too much energy crossing the road just in case anyone thought of it as exercise. Fuck that shit.”
“I’m aiming to be one of those guys that has to be airlifted to get out of bed,” Trent went on. “That’s risky AF. Can you imagine someone like that if there was a fire? I’d fucking burn to death before I could roll over.”
“So yeah, I’m going to stay true to my dreams and eat bacon,” Trent said. “Sure it causes cancer, increases cholesterol and speeds up the aging process, but that’s what makes eating bacon so exciting,” he said, emphatically.
“And look, we’ve all gotta go somehow,” he added. “Eating strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning, lunch and dinner is a pretty fucking good way to go.”
“Plus what makes bacon truly great,” Trent explained, “is that it is just so versatile. As if you’re gonna eat Quinoa after after a big night on the cans. And what’s Kale gonna do for you when you’ve got the munchies? Nothing. Check-fucking-mate hipsters.”
“If you’re interested, I can hook you up with a good butcher, mate. It’s 100% pure, none of that fakon shit.”