Keyboard Warrior in Intensive Care After Getting into Real Fight

A 23 year old man, widely known for his belligerent behaviour and his inflammatory views on the Internet across a range of topics from immigration policies to The Bachelorette, is in hospital today after getting into a real fight.

The man, Jon Roberts, had challenged an 11 year old girl, Alana Stockton, to a face-to-face showdown at the Town Hall steps after a twitter conversation about who they thought was the best footy player in the world had gotten a bit heated.

“He was just being his usual dickhead self saying he had a black belt and claimed he could beat anyone in a real fight one-on-one,” Alana said. “I had just got my white belt in Taekwondo, so I said fuck it, I’ll give it a shot. So I called him out on his bullshit and agreed to the challenge.”

But it turns out Jon Roberts, who goes by the handle “ULTIM4T3 FIGHT3R” on many online forums, had overestimated the number of people he could beat in a real fight by approximately 7 billion.

“In the end I didn’t really have to do anything,” Alana said. “He ended up throwing a coward punch and in doing so, gave himself an uppercut.”

Jon, making a statement from the hospital, said, “I’m good at hitting Enter pretty hard so I just assumed I’d be a good fighter.” When queried as to whether he lied about his fighting credentials to intimidate people online he replied, “no, it’s true, I do have a black belt – it’s a nice one made of leather.”

“I thought I could take Alana, but once I saw how menacing that 11 year old girl looked in real life, I wanted to run,” he explained. “But problem was, I didn’t know how because there was no escape key.”

“Not long after that I was seeing asterisks.”


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