Local Hipster, Jonus Ray, has spoken out today to announce to the world that he prefers his beer goggles to be made entirely of craft beer.
“The thing is, the women left at closing time really can tell when you’ve invested a lot of time and money into your beer goggles,” Ray explained. “They aren’t going to be into the fast finishers that necked a few VBs at 4pm. They want a longer lasting guy who’s stuck around sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon until at least last drinks.”
“My favourite craft beer goggles are made out of maple bacon coffee porter,” Ray stated. “I mean, I usually have to take out a mortgage even just to get a bit tipsy, but that’s entirely what makes me feel so superior about drinking it.”
The important thing to remember, he said, was that “when you’re alone at 4am in the morning, and even that last group of shitfaced sheilas that was progressively looking the goods ended up rejecting you, then at least you can feel smug about the fact you’ve got better beer googles than anyone else.”
According to Ray the intoxication from craft beer is also much purer and higher quality than the regular beer on the streets. “When I was intoxicated on that ordinary lager stuff, I would be fine the next day,” he said. “But craft beer just makes the intoxication last that much longer – if I go out drinking on Friday I’ll be lucky to do anything else for the entire weekend!”