With the United States’ meandering two-year election now entering its final week, the US Federal Election Commission (FEC) has been locked in talks with Kim Jong-Un as to how best reduce its inordinate length.
“There’s only so much election coverage, email leaks, Saturday Night Live parodies, and questionable hairstyles that the average person can take,” one exasperated FEC official said. “We’re really jealous of the North Korean model, which operates order of magnitudes more efficiently than the US.”
“Two years really is a ridiculous amount of time,” the FEC official stated. “Back when this started, Joffrey Baratheon was the world’s most hated person, Pokemon Go wasn’t a thing yet, and most of our favourite celebrities were still alive. And Taylor Swift has had 7836 boyfriends in that time.”
In the last North Korean election all the seats were won by the Democratic Front for the Reunification of the Fatherland. The FEC now believes that a one party system is a model that should be replicated in America.
“It’s really very simple,” Kim Jong-Un is reported to have said. “You just need to make sure you have one glorious candidate, instead of two not-so-glorious candidates.”
“It’s like with anything: people get tired of making decisions. Like when you go to the supermarket and you see 17 brands of hair gel, and you end up with the worst one because you’re so exhausted from trying to decide which is better,” Kim Jong-Un explained. “Instead everything is better if you have just one choice, Glorious Kim Jong-Un’s Wondrous Hair Gel™.”