Given the high expectations for the Australian swim team in Rio De Janeiro, their lack of success has left many mystified why the team, despite having the majority of the fastest times in the world this year, performed so poorly. As it turns out, the Aussie swimmers just forgot they would be racing against others.
Nate Nampbell, who set the world record in the 100 metre doggy paddle as recently as June, had this to say: “You know I just didn’t think there would be anyone else in the race. My training regime at the local pool was swimming early in the morning and late at night when no one else was around, which was great cause I didn’t need to get out of the pool to take a leak. But it meant I was just not used to having other people in the pool. All that wake from the waves and splashing put me off.”
Nate was looking to atone for his disappointment four years ago in London when, as the only swimmer in the event, he was the outright favourite to win gold. Sadly Nate missed the London games completely after going on a three week Stilnox fuelled bender and waking up in mysterious circumstances in an Afghan prison.
Sapphire Mystique, the team’s massage therapist and backstroker, is never backward in coming forward: “We just weren’t prepared. We spent the last six months waiting for a shipment of the surplus ‘roids from the Chinese swim team.”
Another Australian swimmer Ted Cooper, who was recently crowned world champion in Marco Polo, said that “We just weren’t in the frame of mind to win” after also failing in his bid to win gold and being controversially disqualified for forgetting to call ‘Polo’.