Officials to End 2016 Early in Bid to Protect Dwindling Celebrity Population

With Leonard Cohen, the beloved singer-songwriter, the latest in a string of tragic celebrity deaths in 2016, officials have made the extraordinary decision to end the year early in a bid to protect the dwindling celebrity population.

One government official said they have been working on some mathematical predictive models, “With the current rate of celebrity deaths in 2016, we projected that by the end of November the only celebrity left will be Keith Richards,” the official was quoted as saying. “But that’s understandable as he’s fucking immortal.”

“Celebrities are now recognized as an endangered species by the WWF so we had to do something,” another official said.

“Leonard Cohen’s tragic passing meant that ending the year early is the only way to safeguard the now last surviving universally admired celebrity,” the official stated.

“Can you imagine a world without Bill Murray?” she asked, before answering herself “I’m pretty sure his death would signal the coming of the apocalypse.”

Another government official reflected solemnly on the (now shortened) year that was: “We already lost Bowie – I didn’t even think he could die! And there’s Alan Rickman, Harper Lee, Sir George Martin, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder, the list goes on.”

He shook his head, “maybe we should’ve stopped 2016 earlier, like back in April. Prince’s death hit me particularly hard,” he said wiping away a tear. “The tragedy is he never got to be king.”

The official went on to add, “Besides, we could have avoided a whole bunch of shit by ending 2016 earlier, like Brexit and the US presidential election.”

 

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