With Ronald McDonald recently victorious in the McDonaldland presidential election, Colonel “Bernie” Sanders has spoken out saying he is not “chicken” to stand up to rising tide of populist burger consumption.
Sanders has always been considered to be a bit of an outsider and frequently pitted himself against the McDonaldland establishment. He had recently endorsed the successful blocking of the Dakota oil pipeline. “Oil doesn’t belong in pipes, it belongs in fried chicken,” he said.
Sanders added that he didn’t believe Ronald would do anything to fix the economy. “Soon McDonald’s will be so expensive only the richest 1% will be able to eat there,” he said. “What’s Ronald going to do about it? He’s just a fucking clown.”
Ronald McDonald, who was largely responsible for turning politics into easily consumable soundbites, has come under fire in recent weeks for appointing his cabinet positions from those whose only previous experience was working at McDonald’s. Many such appointments have been controversial such as Grimace being made the Secretary of Shakes and the Hamburgler being made Treasury Secretary despite the fact he was recently serving time in jail for drug smuggling. Hamburgler, previously only known for stealing burgers, made the mistake of trying to steal KFC’s fries. “Everyone knows KFC chicken salt is considered an illicit substance in 127 countries,” Sanders explained. “And, in the remainder, it actually is.”
Ronald was not concerned and instead of dealing with the issues he considered that his time was better spent polishing the aging glass ceilings in stores across the nation. The ceilings may, Ronald added, even need to be reinforced because Birdie the Early Bird, the first ever female presidential candidate for McDonaldland, almost broke through one recently.